God knows my number....

I want to share a story with you.  I had an experience recently that showed me how close God really is to us.  It spoke to my heart in such a way that I felt the need to share it with you.  I hope that it encourages you. 

A couple weeks ago I was able to go to a women’s retreat for a couple days.   Wahoo, Mom’s night out right? FREEDOM! J I went not really knowing what to expect, but I knew in my heart I needed to go.  The first night I went I met some wonderful ladies. I also ran into a couple ladies that were healed of stage 4 cancer. 

For those of you who don’t know, I lost my mom to Cancer last fall.  It was a huge blow to my family.  From the time we found she had cancer to the time she passed was less than a year. The grieving process I have felt for myself has gone fairly well. Is it hard not having her around? Absolutely! I miss her like crazy.  The peace for me comes in knowing where she is. He has her.  She lives in a place where there is no more suffering or pain. 

When I was introduced to these ladies I immediately felt anger, frustration in my heart.  I was ecstatic for them but angry at why….Why? Why Lord, why didn’t you heal her too? We prayed multiple times for her, no release of pain, nothing. Why? Why did you heal them and not her? Why? Why? Why?  I thought I was past all this but the pain just struck me once again that evening.

All these questions were passing through my mind as I went to bed that night.  The next morning I woke up and immediately went to spend some quiet time out by the lake.  I grabbed a cup of coffee and my phone so I knew what time I needed to be back for breakfast.  I found a bench constructed of 2 logs and a piece of wood out by the edge of the lake.  I sat out by the lake for about an hour enjoying the quietness, and peacefulness along with the fall colors. It was a beautiful morning.  It felt cool but warm all at the same time with the breeze blowing on my face off the lake.  I prayed to God and asked Him all the questions I had for Him floating around in my mind.   Did I receive a direct answer as to why? Not exactly but I felt comforted beyond my own abilities.  He touched me that day.  He really did.  I felt peace in my heart. I wasn’t angry anymore.

As I sat on the bench that morning, I realized something.  He never leaves things for us to deal with our emotions all on our own.  He brought it to my attention when I didn’t even realize it was something I still needed to deal with.  He wants us to work through the hurt we have in our hearts even if it leaves us questioning why.  He loves us and never leaves us. He is always there. He is there in the good, He is there in the ugly. 

I end this story with a miraculous gift He gave me that day.  As I looked down to check the time on my phone, I noticed I had a missed call from my husband on that same morning. I had my ringer off so it didn’t ring though it was sitting next to me on the bench. It was minutes prior while I was praying.  There was also a responding text from my phone to my husband, saying “I can’t talk now. Can I call you later?” How did I text him back when I didn’t even hear the phone ring in the first place? I believe my Heavenly Father didn’t want me distracted from our conversation, so he responded on my behalf. Woah, unbelievable right?  All things are possible with God!

What did I learn from this situation?  I know that He truly cares, even though I was frustrated and angry with Him, He is

patient with me and comforted me. What a blessing to know that even when we are upset, He wants us to talk to Him. He wants us to bring all of our cares to Him.  He wants us to lay all at His feet.  He will bring the comfort that you are searching for. He will heal our broken hearts.  It is His design.  No one else can heal a wounded heart, that’s why we are always longing for something more until we know Him truly.  Something else I learned this weekend that I will end with.

We don’t have to understand it all to trust Him. I encourage you to talk to Him. Give Him your worries, your thoughts, even your frustrations. He loves you. He loves all of you! The good, the bad, and the ugly! He wants to help you through it all. It’s not about going to church, it’s about a relationship with Him, your Father, your Daddy! Crawl up on His lap. It’s safe, it’s freeing, and He will bring you the peace, joy and comfort that you’ve never experienced before.  He loves you where you are at. He loves you more in a moment than a person can in their entire lifetime.  Amazing! 

Where does your happiness come from

“Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart”

Psalm 37:4 ESV

Same verse, check out this different version 

“Keep company with God,

Get in on the Best”

Psalm 37:4 MSG

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When you think about your happiness, where do go to find it?  Do you find it in your children? Do you find it in your spouse or significant other? Do you look for it in that beautiful piece of chocolate cake or pint of peppermint bon bon ice cream, only to have a stomach ache later? Or how about that raspberry mocha down the street at the Common Cup? Do you splurge in material items, only to find the excitement worn off in a day or two?

My lightbulb has, finally, after 14 years of marriage been turned on.   For years I leaned on my husband to fill my happiness cup.  When my cup wasn’t filled, I went to my children.  Well guess what? I was leaning on imperfect people to fill a cup that would always have holes in it.  I’d come home from work excited to see my husband and children and was welcomed with disappointment. It was like someone was poking a hole in my Styrofoam cup and my happiness was draining at my feet.  I was weary. 

Bitterness began to take root in my heart without my even realizing it.  I’d hit the front door of my home and I’d get that ache in the pit of my stomach.  Overwhelmed, frustrated, furious that nothing was ever getting done.  I was bitter towards my children and most of all my husband.  “If he would only, he never, I always” were common sentences out of my mouth.  Do you know that quote “When momma ain’t happy, nobody’s happy.” Unfortunately it is true.  The kids were picking up on the tension and then the bickering came, yuck! I was not happy.  

But here’s the thing….It’s not their job to make me happy.

None of us are perfect.  We are all imperfect beings.  So when we look to an imperfect person to fill our “Cup”, we will always, always, always be disappointed.  When I realized where the root of that ache was coming from, I first asked for forgiveness, then I decided, I have a choice.  I have a choice to let those small things go and ask for help when things get overwhelming OR continue to live in my unhappiness.  If I wanted the bitterness to end, I needed to change my actions. 

“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” 

Ephesians 4:31-32 

So who fills our cups?

JESUS fills our cups.  He does not say suck it up and move on.  He tells us only to BE STILL, lean on Him.  When life seems overwhelming, and you feel like you’re struggling, He can bring things into proper perspective and bring our feet back down to solid ground.  He helps us put one foot right in front of the other, even if it’s just baby steps.  He wants to restore your happiness.  He understands the road we travel, he knows our hearts, sometimes more than we understand or know our own. 

There is also NO ONE that loves you more than He does.  His love is unconditional.  He loves you more in a moment than any person could in a lifetime.  Woah! You are loved, You are valued, You are treasured!  That is perfect, harmonious love, true happiness. What is better than that? Certainly not that chocolate cake.

So through all of this I learned to recognize and yank bitterness out of the ground before it takes root.  While life is not perfect and never will be, I’m letting the little things go, asking for help when I need it.  Leaning on the Lord and CHOOSING HAPPINESS!